Everyone Sucks But Me
by Spanish Inquisition
Summary: Just a good 'ole Castlevania humor fic. I do believe the authoress was on a sugarhigh while writing this, it is rather funny.


Yuki: Wow, what a montage. Bourne angst to Castlevania humor. Why do I do this...?

Hikari: Because you're lazy.

Yume: And have no consistency.

Azumi: And would rather write one-shots than a continuing story.

Yuki: Wow, y'all are smart.

Disclaimer: I don't own Castlevania. I am a Texan and therefore am allowed to say "y'all".

i----i

Everyone Sucks But Me

A calm day. Soma walked up the steps of Mina's shrine to watch the first full apocalyps—Eh... eclipse of the twenty-first century. Little did he know, they'd soon be thrust into a world of madness and chaos.

Soma and Mina: -are thrust into a world of madness and chaos-

"Wasn't expecting that, even though our too-kind narrator was nice enough to point that out!" Soma said, standing up and brushing off his coat.

"Of course not." Mina stared off blankly into space. She was actually staring at a brick wall. She didn't realize it.

"Well, I'd better go into this creepy, vine-covered, floating-in-the-eclipse castle for safety and to find out what's going on!" Soma exclaimed. "Because everyone sucks but me, and I won't be killed."

A random stranger in a black suit with long, greasy-lookin' black hair showed up out of nowhere.

"Who are you!" Soma exclaimed stupidly, forgetting to read the above paragraph.

"I'm a random stranger!" He said.

"He's the artist formally known as Alucard." Mina noted intelligently. "Now he goes by Genya Arikado, so we'll call him that, completely disregarding the fact that he just came out of the creepy, vine-covered, floating-in-the-eclipse castle."

"How does she know these things?" Soma wondered aloud.

"I'm a graduate of Harvard!"

"...Oh."

Arikado decided to point out the fact that Mina should be dead because she was being attacked by random skeletons of dead flying things that shouldn't have been able to fly because they had no real wings. Mina screamed.

Soma laughed.

"Isn't your moral duty as her boyfriend to protect her?" Arikado pointed out.

"Oh. Right." Soma looked disappointed.

Arikado blew up the skeletons with magical invisible grenades and Soma only killed one because he's lazy. He punched it and this freaky blue thing ran into him.

"I HAVE NAVI DISEASE!" Soma screamed. Somehow he ended up behind Arikado. "HEY LISTEN!"

"No. And that was one of Dracula's souls." Arikado told Soma nonchalantly.

"Oh, okay." Soma said calmly.

Mina didn't move.

"So this is Dracula's castle, huh? I thought Vampires were just an urban legend!"

Arikado: ... -turns into a Vampire for three seconds- HISS!

"Okay then." Soma said. "So how do we get out of here?"

"You don't unless you become Dracula and defeat all his forces." Arikado laughed because Soma thought everyone sucked but him.

"So I have to BECOME Dracula to ESCAPE Dracula and to KEEP Dracula from ever causing death and destruction again by KILLING MY (because I'm Dracula) MINIONS?" Soma asked.

There was an awkward silence. Somewhere from billions of lightmiles away a cricket chirped. It was loud. Soma could hear it. Mina still didn't move.

"...Yeah, pretty much." Arikado said.

"Well that makes perfect sense." Soma noted sarcastically. He rolled his eyes.

"Of course it does!" Arikado said. "Off you go!" And he shoved Soma into the castle.

"Now... to take advantage of Mina." Arikado smiled and walked somewhere offscreen in the general direction of Mina's unconcious body.

Meanwhile, Soma was totally unaware of the fact he just left some inhumanly beautiful man alone with his girlfriend.

"I hope Arikado isn't taking advantage of Mina."

Well... maybe not TOTALLY unaware.

"Now what the hell to do..." Soma said. "I'll start a-walkin'!" And so he did.

Somehow, a mystical portal to a parallel demension opened up in the floor. We can't see it. We have a side view of the screen, remember? A skeleton rose up from the portal and started a-walkin' towards Soma.

"WOW! THE LIVING DEAD!" Soma frantically searched for his sketchbook. He found an autograph book instead. It's contents were the autographs of Tommy Lee Jones (1), Kevin Kline (2), and Catherine Zeta-Jones (3). But that's not important.

The skeleton stopped all of a sudden and looked up at Soma.

"Aww! I'll name you Jack!" Soma said. He tried to hug the skellington (4) but it hit him with a rib.

"Bad Jack!" Soma said, and he hit the skeleton on it's head. It crumbled to the ground and turned to dust. "...Oops." Soma kept walking. More skeletons rose out of the parallel demension portals in the ground and hit the teenager with ribs. And an occasional head. Soma took the hint and started beating the crap out of them until he came to another door.

"Wow." He said, brushing deadman dust off his coat and pulling the reminants of a leg bone out of his hair. "Beating the shit out of dead people is fun."

Another skellington dragged its way up to Soma and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Soma screamed like a little girl. Then he poked it in the shoulder. The skeleton crumbled to the ground and this yellow orb shiny thing flew into Soma. "Alma número dos... Olé." He's bilingual.

Soma continued into the next room. There were a couple o' bats. They flew at him, and Soma stabbed them with a sword he never knew he obtained (Yuki: Woo, big word. Yume: Pfft. Azumi: Hey, it wasn't in MY vocabulary.).

The teen kept-a goin' down until he got to this fancy floor... lamp... candelabra... thingy.

"Pretty!" He said. "I'm gonna kill it to see if it holds any special secret or meaning (Yuki: Because we know all floor-abras do. -rolls eyes-)!" And this is what he did.

In fact, it did hold a special secret and meaning. It had a grey sould in it. Soma raised his hands into the air, and spinning around he clapped them twice, shouting 'Olé!' once more. It echoed.

He kept going, killed a ton of stuff, should've gotten his head lopped off by an axe since it hit his collar bone, got a fancy cape that let him float for a little while, and eventually got to this kickass fanc-ay door of electrical proportions. It sparkled.

Soma walked up to it, and it opened on its own. He took a step back and it closed. Forward again, open again. Back, closed.

"OO WOW!" Soma stared in utter amazement at the door. "OPEN, CLOSE, OPEN, CLOSE, OPEN, CLOSE, OPEN, CLOSE!" He yelled, jumping forward and back.

The door decided to trick him. It stayed closed and he ran into it. "Ow. Not olé." He groaned, rubbing his nose. "I'm too pretty for this." He wiggled his nose and walked through the door, unaware of what deadly, evil, dramastically, fantabulously, (5) craptastically designed boss was behind it...

i----i

Yuki: I'm stopping there, 'cause I haven't played the game in like a year, so I'll play more and find out what to write. I'm gonna go look up a walkthrough or something.

Hikari: This... was random.

Azumi: -nodding silently-

Yume: True that.

(1) Tommy Lee Jones: I decided to use him because my mom quite literally RAN INTO him. She didn't even realize who it was until Dad told her.

(2) Kevin Clein: I used him because my mother insulted him. I swear she did, and he's one of her favorite actors. She insulted him TO HIS FACE... kind of. We were in France at this modern art museum and she saw him. He had grey hair, so she thought it was some Parisian who LOOKED like him, so, "That looks like an old Kevin Kline!"

I was so freakin' embarrassed. He turned around and looked at her like "Thanks, lady." He kinda smiled.

I whispered, "Mom... that IS Kevin Kline."

She asked how I knew and Dad came up behind us and said, "'Cause there's his wife and kids." and he nodded in their general direction.

(3) Catherine Zeta-Jones: I used her because Hikari doesn't like her, and I don't know why. I'm trying to point out the fact that she's really cool and that EVERYONE likes her, so I gave Soma her autograph. :D

(4) Jack Skellington: The main character in Tim Burton's "The Nightmare Before Christmas," who is indeed a skeleton (for those who haven't seen the movie).

(5) Dramastically fantabulous: Dramastic is my word. My mom was trying to say "dramatic" and "drastic" and it came out "dramastic." Fantabulous is Jenna's word... I don't know where the crap it came from.


End file.
